Thursday, June 27, 2013

Hopefully Postpartum Will be Minimal

When my little man Marshal was born I was completely overwhelmed. I lost a lot of blood and a difficult recovery. He had blood sugar issues and ended up in ICU.

I was so determined to breast feed him and avoid a bottle that instead of allowing the nurses to give him formula we kept trying to breast feed. But nothing came out and he ended up with blood sugar in the 20s...and a trip to NicU.
Marshal in NicU - 2009
We fed him with a tube and syringe for the first few weeks of his life, simply to avoid the bottle. I pumped as much as possible to get him breast milk. I could pump for over an hour and get less than an ounce of breast milk.

I tried everything to increase production - drinking beer (which I HATE), tea (also can't stand), and all the other things the lactation specialists recommended. We met with her at least twice a week.

I was NOT bonding with Marshal. I wanted to send him away and even thinking about it now makes me want to cry. I was completely depressed and hubby eventually made me go see the counselor.

Finally, even the lactation nurse said I needed to stop trying and move to formula. I was not bonding and I needed to take care of myself and my son.

This time, as much as I wanted to breast feed I went in with a completely different attitude. I willingly tried to breast feed and worked with the nurses after Dillon was born. For a variety of physical reasons my breasts do not cooperate and I didn't even produce colostrum. :( I still feel like crap for not being able to breast feed...I WANTED to. But it just wasn't meant to be.

Dillon's blood sugar did start to drop a few hours after birth. Instead of trying to force my will, we started him on a bottle with formula. Praising God - he avoided NicU completely and his blood sugar was perfectly normal from then on out.

Heading Home - Brothers

When my Sister in Law visited us in the hospital she said she could totally tell a difference in my attitude and temperament this time around. Obviously, a new mom will have more emotional issues. But with my history of depression the second time around is still a huge risk.

So far so good. I've had a few moments of baby blues - one night of crying uncontrollably - but nothing like the soul crushing depression I felt after Marshal.

We made it home and are now a family of FOUR! It boggles my mind. I still can't believe we have a new baby. It's such a huge change...and I don't love change. I know we'll find our routine eventually.

Marshal has been a good big brother so far. I know that could change any second but we're working really hard to make sure he feels like part of this team. And thankfully my family knows what to look for to make sure I don't fall into the abyss that is postpartum depression.

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