I Think I'm Really a Guy

Okay, not literally. But my characteristics and behavior sure do line up to being a guy.

Granted, the "guy" behaviors are stereotypes but since guys and gals are different and stereotypes are stereotypes for a reason.

When someone shares their problems or concerns, my first instinct is to try to find a way to fix it. I want to be helpful and useful. And yet as a girl, I HATE it when my husband does that!!! Sometimes I just want someone to listen.

I'm hopelessly unromantic. My husband is a lucky man. I am thrilled when he vacuums. That's romance! I don't need any special dates, flowers, cards. Nope. I'm happy with a quick meal at McDonalds and a movie.

My husband occasionally tells me I'm fat. Isn't that horrible?!?! But quite frankly, it doesn't upset me ... once in awhile if it's that time of the month I get annoyed and tell him to hush. But generally I roll my eyes and poke him in the belly. Ha!

I have my girly moments. There are movies and books that make me cry. I have a lot more mommy patience than my husband does.

I find it interesting that we have such set ideas of how girls and women are "supposed" to be. Even in elementary school I felt different than my girlfriends. I was completely boy crazy like they were but I definitely didn't feel as connected emotionally to them as they seemed to be to each other.  Maybe I was more emotional prior to my dad dying (I was 8). But I don't remember a ton before that.

My House Is Shrinking

At least that is what it feels like. I swear we accumulate twice as much stuff as we get rid of. I'm fairly (and genetically) prone to hoarding but at this point I'm starting to feel claustrophobic. And I'm not quite sure how to handle it.

You can't see our kitchen table - it's covered in laundry (clean and mostly folded), jewelry supplies, and shipping materials. Yup...half the table is where I pack and ship my jewelry and jewelry supply orders.

The counters in the kitchen are full...you can barely see them. Which is sad because they're made of gorgeous granite.

My jewelry work space (also in the kitchen) is packed and I create my jewelry in about an 8 inch square space. Which can be kind of hazardous when working with the torch.

Then we brought in the Christmas decorations - and we have a lot ... boxes and boxes were taken out of the attic.

Once we get the tree set up and decorations put up (for all of three weeks) then at least some stuff will go back in the garage (which I can't even walk through).

I'm pretty sure my house was more put together when I was working full time out of the house. How is that possible??? Yes we're home more to mess things up more but we still had laundry. The only thing I feel like I've been able to keep up on is the dishes.

Hubby has vacation the last two weeks of the year and I'm hoping we will be able to do a massive "stuff" dump. Just go through everything and take trips to Goodwill. Usually I will take the time to organize things for a garage sale or sell on Craigs List. But my sanity is worth more than the few dollars we would get by taking the time to sell things.

I think I'll ask Santa for a clean house for Christmas!

Dealing with Disappointment

I mentioned I was going to go to the fair for the third time in this post. I was really looking forward to it because I'd be all by myself ... except hubby was going up to work and I'd be riding with him and get to have lunch with him on his break.

Well...as so often happens, plans changed. As disappointed as I was, I feel like I have grown a lot in the last few years because my response wasn't pleading or trying to force the situation to be what I wanted. Instead I thought about it and just went back home.

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11

God has plans for me and trying to FORCE my plans into being I interfere with what HE has designed. I *could* have figured out a way to still go to the fair but it would have cost me more money than our original plans. And I'd have to rely on someone else (who is wonderful and did offer) to give me a ride home.

So often in the past I've found myself trying to find a way to make my plans happen...through all kinds of maneuvering  bargaining, planning. And usually if something is not meant to happen and I try to force it, I screw it up.

Being home for the day, I have tons of stuff to do - including my job, which I can thankfully do from home - and getting the house ready for Marshal's birthday. Maybe this is the path I was supposed to take for the day.

Avoidance and Imperfection - Compulsive Overeating Overtakes Me

It's been a rough couple of weeks...or months depending on how I look at it. when you're in denial it's hard to determine exactly when things started going south.

Food has always been a struggle for me. Our whole family struggles with addictions...smoking, alcohol, gambling, food...it runs through my veins to be addicted to something.

Just like an alcoholic who sucks up drink after drink after drink with no thought and no care for consequences...I eat. And eat. And eat more. And then a little more.

I only stop when I'm so full I could throw up (which I don't...I have never been able to binge and purge which would officially make me bulimic). The first phase of Bulimia definitely applies to me:

"Recurrent episodes of binge eating, with an episode characterized by (1) eating in a discrete period of time, usually less than two hours, an amount of food that is significantly larger than most people would eat during a similar period of time and under similar circumstances; and, (2) a sense of lack of control over eating during the episode, such as a feeling that one cannot stop eating."

Oh yeah. That's me. I clearly fall into the Binge Eating or Compulsive Eater category.

"Compulsive overeaters will typically eat when they are not hungry. Their obsession is demonstrated in that they spend excessive amounts of time and thought devoted to food, and secretly plan or fantasize about eating alone."

I'm pretty sure it's a miracle that I'm not over 200 pounds. I was...at the beginning of the year I was 207 and I dropped down to 175 but I've slowly been seeing that number creep back up and I know it's because I've lost control ... again.

For six months or so I was doing okay. Tracking my food and calories...staying within my limits most days. I wasn't perfect and I still had episodes, but for the most part I was moving the right direction....which was a smaller and healthier me. It's not so much about how heavy I am. It's MUCH more important that I'm not giving myself diabetes and that I'm able to keep up with an active little boy.

When exactly I stopped focusing I'm not sure...but I know that it's been worse than it has been in a LONG time. I'm absolutely miserable but at the same time ... even though I know I could logically stop ... I can't.

I've actually been avoiding blogging this because if I ignored it I could pretend that I could control it myself. Which I obviously can't.